Dave Attell Quotes

I never wanted to be famous.

I have no grand scheme.

The more Discovery Channel you watch, the less chance you have of ever meeting a woman. Because it fills your head with odd facts that can come out at any moment. “Hello. Did you know Hitler was ticklish? That sea otters have four nipples? Wait – don’t run away!”

I’m not really a music guy.

When I was a kid, I really loved Indians. Native Americans. Pardon. Me.

There’s a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you’re looking in a window. I’ll give you a hint: one of ’em is super illegal.

I keep getting these people at my shows who only know me from television. I can always tell when they’re, like, emotionally flinching when I start doing my jokes.

Have you seen that magazine Barely Legal? That means when you look at it, you’re almost a pedophile.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell if a joke is working or not for the first couple of minutes.

Sparklers are the gay cousins of the fireworks family.

Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”

I don’t mind a crowd’s not laughing; it’s the groans that slow down the show.

I have an imagination because my life is so boring that my imagination lets me get off the reality of what’s going on.

Being on the road is kind of lonely.

Remember when you’re young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he’s just a drunk who wears a cape.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they’re both on fire – they’re exactly alike.

I get recognized, but I’m not really a famous famous.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you’ve had?

I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.

You see a guy with one leg, he’s got a story. “Land mine ’69.” You see a guy with one arm, he’s got a story, too. “Snow blower, bottle of whiskey.” You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? “Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy.”

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

It’s a horrible economy but I’m trying to do my part. I just bought a new shower curtain it has all the presidents on it. Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with all the presidents staring at you? And when the water hits them it looks like they’re crying.

I’m not a movie guy, I’m not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.

My day jobs… I knew I was bad at those, so I didn’t really have the confidence to think that I could do comedy. But I knew I hated the day jobs.

Doesn’t matter what you say or do; people can always find a way to call you a dick.

I’m a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it’s what I’ve been doing and it’s what I’m going to keep doing.

You know what wakes me up? A tongue in the ass. There is no alarm clock on that one, you are up, you are shaking, you are in a karate stance…..the day has begun.

Everything you do, burns calories. Getting up in the morning, 100 calories; kicking the hooker out of your bed, another 100; diapering your monkey, 35 calories; laughing at a midget, fun and 10 calories; catching your girlfriend with another guy, 2000-3000 calories, depending on backswings.

Once you get offstage you’re just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that’s about it.

You know what my drink is? Jack Daniel’s. Yes, that is a wild man drink. That should come with bail money, you know what I’m saying? Because on Jack, you don’t know where you’re going to end up, but you know when you get there, you won’t be wearing any pants.

If you go to Germany and get drunk, at some point you will try to look up Hitler in the phone book.

I don’t watch reality TV.

I’m not like a performer type.

Let’s say you’re in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don’t know, you have too many teeth.

What’s the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

I have soundtracks for a lot of stuff.

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people ‘the cops.’ But you know, sometimes, you’ve just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

I don’t watch reality TV. I’m cool.

Don’t get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you’re using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What’s your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I like doing stand-up and I love putting out TV specials.

Friends are important, dontcha think? Hmmm? I think so. The way I see it, you got friends, and you got your best friend, big difference. To me, a friend’s a guy who will help you move. A best friend’s a guy who will help you move a body. That’s how I look at it.

I’m very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle…then I try and shoot it out. It’s like a carnival.

For a long time the people at my shows were sort of the Pantera-tattoo trucker guys, really cool dudes, but I don’t know what happened to them. That’s the crowd that I like, the ones that don’t get so offended just to be offended.

I’m a joke comic. I tell jokes. I like writing a joke, and I like when a joke works, and I like other comics who tell jokes.