Fart Quotes

That has less significance than a dog’s fart.

You’re all mad for words. Words are just farts from a lot of fools who have swallowed too many books. Give me things!

People dressed in a certain kind of clothing are never wrong. Also they never fart.

I know that at one time, the Arctic was the tropics. And I guess I wonder what caused that? Was it dinosaur farts? I don’t know.

My philosophy of dating is to just fart right away.

I made my living in comedy, but I’m not a silly person. I’ve got all these sides to me. Even in my movies that I’ve written myself, the characters sometimes border on great anger or nutsiness or other kinds of behavior. I’m not just doing fart jokes for two hours.

At a certain point, you have to face the fact that you’ve turned into an old fart.

A fart is just your arse applauding.

I’m sounding like an old fart talking about how bad advertising is today, but it’s true. Advertising sucks. Guys like me and Bob Gage and certainly Bill Bernbach and two or three other guys, we exemplified and led the creative revolution.

There is Harlan Ellison the human being, who takes a crap a couple of times a day, and who farts, and who eats chicken croquettes, if I can find them. And then there is the writer, this writer-person, who is a much finer person than I. Much more orderly, much more meaningful. Worthier, than I [am].

Most people enjoy the sight of their own handwriting as they enjoy the smell of their own farts.

If I fail, the film industry writes me off as another statistic. If I succeed, they pay me a million bucks to fly out to Hollywood and fart.

I’d like to think I’d never do a gratuitous fart joke.

Every man knows the smell of his own fart.

My dad was proud of himself when he farted. He sounds like he’s strangling a chicken when he farts.

They didn’t trademark everything back then. Now someone farts and they put a TM after it. Even Miller Lite says ‘A Fine Pilsner Beer’ on the label. It is a crime.

Farts come from no one and nowhere; they are anonymous emanations that belong to the group as a whole, and even when every person in the room can point to the culprit, the only sane course of action is denial.

I am of a different mind ten times in the course of a day. But I resist the devil, and often it is with a fart that I chase him away. When he tempts me with silly sins I say, ‘Devil, yesterday I broke wind too. Have you written it down on your list?

I can smell a liar like a fart in a lift!

Atlantic reckoned we should use a top Yank producer and appointed one Eddie Kramer to the post. It turns out the guy was full of bullshit and couldn’t produce a healthy fart.

A dog is not intelligent. Never trust an animal that’s surprised by it’s own farts

I have no idea how to use social media for anything other than forwarding a good fart joke.

Rock n’ roll is for the young idiots, not an old fart like me.

I want to become so successful that if I wanna fart on a track, I can, and it will sell.

If you can fart in front of somebody, you know that they love you.

No matter how politely one says it, we owe our existence to the farts of blue-green algae.

My waist is a 30. The jeans are a 28. When I fart, the Reeboks blow off.

I swear, guys in groups are capable of the stupidest things.” “Like war,” Kellan says, heaping napkins and ketchup packets onto her tray. “And jumping off rooftops.” “And lighting their farts on fire,” she says.

Over at the Olivia Pope & Associates set, we’re like middle school children. Every time there’s a cut in the action, we joke and dance around; there’s show tunes and fart noises.

I play around with my Japanese Garden. Since Im half way to 70 today I need to start pruning trees and sharpening plants like an old fart.

The rest of the guys in Sabbath became boring old farts, and there I was, this crazy guy, still into wrecking hotel rooms and having parties.

Robert Plant asked me to marry him, but I said ‘no.’ I mean, you just don’t want to marry someone you’ve wanted to do it with since you were thirteen, because, well, if he farts, I would, like, die!

Let me see if I can put this in scientific terms: Think of autism like a fart, and vaccines are the finger you pull to make it happen.

Having kids means there’s always someone around to blame your fart on.

I have more talent in my smallest fart than you have in your entire body.

Using blasphemy as entertainment is as cheap as a comedian telling a fart joke.

You know what, I think maybe it’s because men like to fart, and the host wants to be able to sit in his writers’ room and just pass gas freely. Me, I’m a lady. I’m dainty. I know to get up and leave the room and go to my office.

Some people get lots of pleasure; From books or from music or art; But boys seem to think it’s fantastic; To just have a really good fart.

Home is where the heart is, home is where the fart is. Come let us fart in the home. There is no art in a fart. Still a fart may not be artless. Let us fart and artless fart in the home.

I fart in your general direction.

It would be nice if people said, God bless you not just when you sneezed but also when you farted.

I’m never going to write fart jokes, because I feel like I have a responsibility to the audience to give them good stuff. I should be able to come up with something funnier than any third-grade boy could think of.

The older you get, the funnier fart jokes are.

My ex-boyfriend didn’t hear me fart once, and we were together six years. I hated the thought of grossing him out, so I think some things should be left to do privately.

A happy fart never comes from a miserable ass.

I wouldn’t fart in front of my wife, and she wouldn’t do it in front of me.

I trip and I burp and I fart, like everybody else.

It seems that when you have cancer you are a brave battler against the disease, but when you have Alzheimer’s you are an old fart. That’s how people see you. It makes you feel quite alone.

There’s a Drunk Midget in My House Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts. Like most people who have had one baby, I am an expert on everythiing and will tell you, unsolicited, how to raise your kid!

Any man can fart in a closed room and say that he commands the wind

Don’t be more serious than God. God invented dog farts.

Verbal contracts are about as useful as a fart on a treadmill.

I say what I think. I’m a real person, not some manufactured pop tart who’s afraid to step out of the hotel room. I am flawed. I swear, I have the occasional cocktail, I pick my nose and I fart. I’m not running for any presidential campaign at the moment. I’m a sassy girl.

I wonder why no one called the police about the rocket launcher? God knows my neighbors usually report it if I so much as fart in my backyard. (Bubba)

Besides, when you say you’re a feminist it annoys the bigots and the old farts and the prissy ladies so much, it’s kind of irresistible.

I don’t feel so good.” Lula said. And she farted. She squeezed her eyes shut tight and did a full minute-long fart. “Excuse me.” she said. I was horrified and impressed all at the same time. It was a record breaking fart. On my best day, I couldn’t come near to farting like that.

A good fart joke makes me bawl with laughter, so will somebody farting. And the word ‘poo.’ You can’t beat a good poo joke.

Rock n roll is for the young idiots, not an old fart like me.

If I want to keep working as an actor, I’m going to become a comedian who does fart jokes.

[When] you’re dying laughing because your three-year-old made a fart joke, it doesn’t matter what else is going on. That’s real happiness.

Male writers don’t want to be judged in the room. They want to be able to scarf an entire bag of potato chips while cracking fart jokes and making lewd comments without fear of feminine disapproval. But we’re your co-workers, not your wives.

Can you think of a single situation, no matter how grave, where the atmosphere would not be instantly shattered with a loud fart – or a drawing of a butt? There is no faster way to create universal common ground.

We need more intellect and humor back on television, instead of the lowest common denominator of comedy – like the fart joke!

Though I’ve turned 21, I don’t drink. I’m an old hag now. I’m just an old fart.

It’s become absolutely horrible the way the people with the money decide they can fart in the kitchen.

Spending so much time on the road, I get to fart all the time. Then when it’s, like, Thanksgiving dinner and I’m sitting with my grandmother, I can’t fart for, like, two hours.

I didn’t want to do a throwaway, mindless movie with fart jokes just to make 6-year-olds laugh. I want to provide my children with some substance.

Farts and poop are still funny and will always be funny.

All I want to do is sit on my ass and fart and think of Dante.

You get older and come to the conclusion that it’s a great gig making music. Even if you turn into an old gnarly fart, no one cares what you look like if you write good songs – the only gig is to sing well and perform.

Just let them sit in the goddam sun. But the world won’t let them because there’s nothing more dangerous than letting old farts sit in the sun. They might be thinking. Same thing with kids. Keep ’em busy or they might start thinking.

You Know the Most Dangerous Thing In the Water? A Shark Fart.

Confucius once said that a bear could not fart at the North Pole without causing a big wind in Chicago.

If mugs made fart noises coffee shops wouldn’t be relaxing, they’d sound like a yoga class in a retirement home.

My father once told me, and it’s stuck with me to this day: As you walk through life, every time you fart it pushes you forward.

We’re here on Earth to fart around

A fart in the face is love.

It having been a very cold night last night I had got some cold, and so in pain by wind, and a sure precursor of pain is sudden letting off farts, and when that stops, then my passages stop and my pain begins

As soon as somebody farts around me, I think it’s hilarious. This is something my brothers did that now the boys at work are obsessed with. You cup it, and then you throw it in someone’s face and say, ‘Take a bite out of that cheeseburger!’

Isn’t he gorgeous?” With those rolls, the wet-sounding grunts, bulbous wiggly tail, and smashed face—not to mention the fart the dog let out once he situated himself—he was gorgeous in a way that only a parent could appreciate.

So familiar are eggs to us, however, that in the eighteenth century they were referred to as cackling farts, on the basis that chickens cackled all the time and eggs came out of the back of them.

I love baseball. I’ll probably end up one of those old farts who go to spring training in Florida every year and drive from game to game all day.

I’m into paradoxes. I wanted to make an album about them, but the group told me I was a pretentious fart. They were right.

I’m a fart in a gale of wind, a humble violet under a cow pat.

We’re being treated to the wisdom of some puffed up, little fart. Doing exactly what I used to do, pretensions to anarchy and art.

When I fart my ass makes a trumpet sound that heralds the arrival of the smell.

I don’t usually fly in first class, but I fart in first class.

I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

Art is like a fart for the soul. Better out than in.

Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.

We are here on Earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.

Electronic communities build nothing. You wind up with nothing. We are dancing animals. How beautiful it is to get up and go out and do something. We are here on Earth to fart around. Don’t let anybody tell you any different.

I hate dates. I sit at home all day, and I don’t fart once. I go on a date and I’ve got twenty in the bank straight away.

Maybe it was me,” Grandma said.”Sometimes they sneak out.Did I fart?

So, you’re worried that a pink dragon will fly over the concent and fart nerve gas on us?

I had this website that, at one point, I listed myself as ‘actor, writer, comedian, and fart enthusiast’ just because I thought that would be a really clear joke.

For me, I need to be able to show up on set and fart around and goof around. If I can have that, when I’m not acting, then when I’m acting I can go however deep and dark and bad I need to. I developed that more with ‘Breaking Bad’ because I’ve never worked on anything as dark for as long.

Every time there’s a cut in the action, we joke and dance around, there’s show tunes and fart noises.

The average pregnant woman farts 15 times that!

I make niggas eat dirt and fart dust,
Then give you a $80 gift certificate to Pussies “РЇ” Us.

Girls don’t poop, so don’t claim you do. You can fart – because farting is funny – but we don’t want to know that you poop.

There’s nothing worse than a bunch of jaded old farts, and that’s a fact.

At my age, you sort of fart your way into a role.

I tell you, we are here on Earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different.

I don’t read Scripture and cling to no life precepts, except perhaps to Walter Cronkite’s rules for old men, which he did not deliver over the air: Never trust a fart. Never pass up a drink. Never ignore an erection.

I have a pacemaker in, but it doesn’t work very well, because every time I fart the garage door opens.

I burp, I fart. I’m a real woman.

I’m only interested in heavy metal when it’s me who’s playing it. I suppose it’s a bit like smelling your own farts.

A person who discreetly farts in an elevator is not a divine being, and a man needs to know this.

Don’t be more serious than God. God invented dog farts. God designed your body’s plumbing system. God designed an ostrich. If He didn’t do it, He permitted a drunken angel to do it. Empirical facts can add significantly to the meaning of “being godlike”.

What is like a smelly fart, that, although invisible is obvious? One’s own faults, that are precisely As obvious as the effort made to hide them.

There are more microbes per person than the entire population of the world. Imagine that. Per person. This means that if the time scale is diminished in proportion to that of space it would be quite possible for the whole story of Greece and Rome to be played out between farts.

Jerry Ford is so dumb he can’t fart and chew gum at the same time.

Fart jokes still work for me.

The moral of the story is we’re here on Earth to fart around. And, of course, the computers will do us out of that. And, what the computer people don’t realize, or they don’t care, is we’re dancing animals. You know, we love to move around.

Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.

Freedom, Truth, Honour В— you could rattle off a hundred such words and behind every one of them would gather a thousand punks, pompous little farts, waving the banner with one hand and reaching under the table with the other.

Some of them relate to farts but they are not fart jokes. They would just be a fart in the joke but it’s about something else.

[To Edward de Vere, Earl of Oxford, on his return from self-imposed exile, occasioned by the embarrassing flatulence he had experienced in the presence of the Queen:] My Lord, I had forgot the fart.

Your job today is to pass gas. You do that and we can start feeding you liquids. No fart, no food.

If you eat Chinese food, your farts come out like Chinese food. If you eat Mexican food, your farts come out like Mexican food. And milk, it’s like – you can smell the warmth in the fart. My wardrobe on Transformers always smells like farts, and I have no idea why.

At one time or another, farts have coincided with every other sound, including this quote.

As a human being, as you go through the course of your day, you might wake up with the shittiest day, and by noon something f – king historically funny happens around the water cooler, and you’re about to fart yourself you’re laughing so hard. And then you might have to think about something seriously for a minute.

If the game is run properly as a professional game, you do not need 57 old farts running rugby.

…And nostalgia is a cancer. Nostalgia will fill your heart up with tumors. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s what you are. You’re just an old fart dying of terminal nostalgia.