Funny Father Quotes

Funny Father Quotes by Anne Frank, Ernest Hemingway, Steve Martin, Rodney Dangerfield, Peter De Vries, Bob Monkhouse and many others.

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the ri

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.
Anne Frank
To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.
Ernest Hemingway
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
Steve Martin
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield
There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.
Peter De Vries
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Bob Monkhouse
A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.
Bertrand Russell
There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep’.
Jim Gaffigan
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Robert Orben
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Bill Cosby
I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.
George W. Bush
One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.
George Herbert
You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
Jerry Seinfeld
If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.
James A. Baldwin
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
William Shakespeare
Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.
Martin Mull
You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.
Erika Cosby
Scratch any father, you find / Someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, / Believing change is a threat.
Phyllis McGinley
My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass’; ‘We’re not raising grass,’ Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’
Harmon Killebrew
My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.
Clarence Budington Kelland
Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
Ray Romano
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.
Barbara Kingsolver
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
Bill Cosby
I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.
Sigmund Freud
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
Spike Milligan
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Rodney Dangerfield
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
Jon Stewart
Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.
Jimmy Fallon
The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God; I call him Dad!
John Walter Bratton
The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’
Bill Hicks
I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.
Louis C. K.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Mark Twain
The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.
Theodore Hesburgh