Funny Father Quotes

Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths, but the final forming of a person’s character lies in their own hands.

To be a successful father… there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.

A father carries pictures where his money used to be.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

There are times when parenthood seems nothing more than feeding the hand that bites you.

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.

The place of the father in the modern suburban family is a very small one, particularly if he plays golf.

There should be a children’s song: ‘If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep’.

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.

I’ve been to war. I’ve raised twins. If I had a choice, I’d rather go to war.

One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters.

You can tell what was the best year of your father’s life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

If the relationship of father to son could really be reduced to biology, the whole earth would blaze with the glory of fathers and sons.

It is a wise father that knows his own child.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

You know, fathers just have a way of putting everything together.

Scratch any father, you find / Someone chock-full of qualms and romantic terrors, / Believing change is a threat.

My father used to play with my brother and me in the yard. Mother would come out and say, ‘You’re tearing up the grass’; ‘We’re not raising grass,’ Dad would reply. ‘We’re raising boys.’

My father didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

Having children is like living in a frat house – nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.

It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn’t.

Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.

I cannot think of any need in childhood as strong as the need for a father’s protection.

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

Father’s Day is important because, besides being the day on which we honor Dad, it’s the one day of the year that Brookstone does any business.

The greatest gift I ever had
Came from God; I call him Dad!

The father who does not teach his son his duties is equally guilty with the son who neglects them.

I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I’d say ‘Yeah? When?’

I found out that I’m a pretty bad father. I make a lot of mistakes and I don’t know what I’m doing. But my kids love me. Go figure.

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.