Funny Relationship Quotes

Funny Relationship Quotes by Mark Twain, Jilly Cooper, Bill Ballance, Conan O’Brien, Wayne Dyer, Cher and many others.

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty s

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir…mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
The male – I have found – is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper
When a man is in love or in debt, someone else has the advantage.
Bill Ballance
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’
Conan O’Brien
Problems in relationship occur because each person is concentrating on what is missing in the other person.
Wayne Dyer
Men should be like Kleenex, soft, strong and disposable.
Cher
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
Joan Rivers
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.
Albert Einstein
we love what we love and who we love who we love and why we love why we love and find a falling shoelace knotted and strung between the fingers of strangers
Kami Garcia
A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself — to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart
Leo Buscaglia
My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not.
Albert Einstein
When I’m not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I’m with a woman.
Garry Shandling
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
Natalie Wood
I don’t understand you. You don’t understand me. What else do we have in common?
Ashleigh Brilliant
I strongly believe that love is the answer and that it can mend even the deepest unseen wounds. Love can heal, love can console, love can strengthen, and yes, love can make change.
Somaly Mam
You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
Erica Jong
Marriage is like a 5,000- piece jigsaw of the sky.
Cathy Ladman
I remember the first time I had sex – I kept the receipt.
Groucho Marx
I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
Mark Twain
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield
If we are incapable of finding peace in ourselves, it is pointless to search elsewhere.
Francois de La Rochefoucauld
The General was essentially a man of peace, except in his domestic life.
Oscar Wilde
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Gloria Allred
If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
Regina Brett
When a man loves a woman, periodically he needs to pull away before he can get closer.
John Gray
My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.
Rodney Dangerfield
Watching your daughter being collected by her date feels like handing over a million dollar Stradivarius to a gorilla.
Jim Bishop
I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’
Richard Jeni
However good or bad you feel about your relationship, the person you are with at this moment is the “right” person, because he or she is the mirror of who you are inside.
Deepak Chopra
It was the love of love, the love of swallows up all else, a grateful love, a love of natural, of people, of animals, a love ingengering gentleness and goodness that moved meand that I saw in you
William Carlos Williams
More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
Doug Larson
If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
George Carlin
When a man goes on a date he wonders if he is going to get lucky. A woman already knows.
Frederick Bushnell “Jack” Ryder
It’s been so long since I made love, I can’t even remember who gets tied up.
Joan Rivers
Sex and murder are the same. Well, you say the same after both don’t you? “Damn I got to get the hell out of here!” “What was I thinking!”
Dave Attell
The key to a good relationship is the key. Give me back the key.
Ronnie Claire Edwards
They gave each other a smile with a future in it.
Ring Lardner
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
A. Whitney Brown
Remember, beneath every cynic there lies a romantic, and probably an injured one.
Glenn Beck
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I’ll break up with someone on purpose.
Rita Rudner
I have lost friends, some by death…others by sheer inability to cross the street.
Virginia Woolf
The same passions in man and woman nonetheless differ in tempo; hence man and woman do not cease misunderstanding one another.
Friedrich Nietzsche
A bachelor’s life is no life for a single man.
Samuel Goldwyn
I guess the only way to stop divorce is to stop marriage.
Will Rogers
A person with a new idea is a crank until the idea succeeds.
Mark Twain
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
George Carlin
Trust is the glue of life. It’s the most essential ingredient in effective communication. It’s the foundational principle that holds all relationships.
Stephen Covey
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
Rita Rudner
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Before marriage, a man will lie awake thinking about something you said; after marriage , he’ll fall asleep before you finish saying it.
Helen Rowland
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
Oscar Wilde
There’s a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
Oscar Levant
Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.
Nora Ephron
I’m a very loyal and unreliable friend.
Edward de Bono
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
Robert Bloch
Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They’re very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.
Jerry Seinfeld
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.’
Rita Rudner
The woman is increasingly aware that love alone can give her full stature, just as the man begins to discern that spirit alone can endow his life with its highest meaning. Fundamentally, therefore, both seek a psychic relation to the other, because love needs the spirit, and the spirit love, for their fulfillment.
Carl Jung
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they’re a bunch of liars.
Jay Leno
Of course ‘we humans’ have a funny relationship with the beings with whom we share our planet. We eat them, we care for them, we admire them, we use them.
April Gornik
I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.
Rodney Dangerfield
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
George Burns
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman’s heart.
Ambrose Bierce
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.
Ogden Nash
If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices.
Mother Teresa
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship.
Domenico Cieri
What you call flaws are really just scars and wounds accumulated over a lifetime.
Deepak Chopra
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
Groucho Marx
We mistakenly assume that if our partners love us they will react and behave in certain ways – the ways we react and behave when we love someone.
John Gray
I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn’t have one.
Frank Skinner
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn’t show up on x-rays, but you know it’s there.
George Burns
The wedding is where two people become one. The marriage is where they decide which one.
Robert Breault
To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you’re impotent. She can’t wait to disprove it.
Cary Grant
Love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence.
Erich Fromm
Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.
Bill Cosby
Friendship is love minus sex and plus reason. Love is friendship plus sex minus reason
Mason Cooley
I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.
Chelsea Handler
Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.
Dave Attell
It’s a funny relationship that makeup artists have. I always feel kind of like a dentist. People look at me and think of pain.
Rick Baker
The absolute yearning of one human body for another particular body and its indifference to substitutes is one of life’s major mysteries.
Iris Murdoch
Children really brighten up a household. They never turn the lights off.
Ralph Wycherley
If I love you, what business is it of yours?
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Mike Birbiglia
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
Roseanne Barr
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Henny Youngman
We talk about the quality of product and service. What about the quality of our relationships and the quality of our communications and the quality of our promises to each other?
Max De Pree
All diseases run into one, old age.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
If Jack’s in love, he’s no judge of Jill’s beauty.
Benjamin Franklin
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
Johnny Carson
A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
Erma Bombeck
I am getting nowhere with you and I can’t let you go and I cant get through.
Ani DiFranco
When you’re drowning, you don’t say ‘I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,’ you just scream.
John Lennon
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
Benjamin Franklin
It’s no good pretending that any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to each other if they met at a party.
Nick Hornby
I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Phyllis Diller
When I want to end a relationship I just say, ‘You know, I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children.’ Sometimes they leave skid marks.
Rita Rudner
Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option.
Mark Twain
For one human being to love another; that is perhaps the most difficult of all our tasks, the ultimate, the last test and proof, the work for which all other work is but preparation.
Rainer Maria Rilke
I’m still going on bad dates when by now I should be in a bad marriage.
Laura Kightlinger
Old age has deformities enough of its own. It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
Eleanor Roosevelt
I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.
Bob Monkhouse
A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.
Elbert Hubbard
I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
Patrick Murray
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
Mark Twain
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
Warren Hutcherson
My heart’s in the right place. I know, ‘cuz I hid it there.
Carrie Fisher
Our greatest joy and our greatest pain comes in our relationships with others.
Stephen Covey
Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.
Sharon Stone
You can always tell when the relationship is over. Little things start getting on your nerves, ‘Would you please stop that! That breathing in and out, it’s so repetitious.’
Ellen DeGeneres
I think men talk to women so they can sleep with them and women sleep with men so they can talk to them.
Jay McInerney
In vain have I struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.
Jane Austen
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Jack Benny
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Rodney Dangerfield
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it’s fantastic.
Woody Allen
Love is the expansion of two natures in such fashion that each include the other, each is enriched by the other.
Felix Adler
A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
Michel de Montaigne
Relationships are like farting, If you push too hard things could get messy real fast.
Kevin Hart
I swear, by my life and my love of it, that I will never live for the sake of another man, nor ask another man to live for mine.
Ayn Rand
I don’t mind my wife having to last word. In fact I’m delighted when she reaches it.
Walter Matthau
Whenever you’re in conflict with someone, there is one factor that can make the difference between damaging your relationship and deepening it. That factor is attitude.
William James
Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.
Hector Berlioz
Treasure each other in the recognition that we do not know how long we shall have each other.
Joshua L. Liebman
My first time I jacked off, I thought I’d invented it. I looked down at my sloppy handful of junk and thought, This is going to make me rich.
Chuck Palahniuk
Don’t smother each other. No one can grow in the shade.
Leo Buscaglia
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man’s habits and then complain that he’s not the man she married?
Barbra Streisand
My mother’s last word to me clanks inside me like an iron bell that someone beats at dinnertime: love, love, love, love, love.
Cheryl Strayed
I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap!
Dolly Parton
The fundamental glue that holds any relationship together is trust.
Brian Tracy
Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
Whoopi Goldberg
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
Mae West
Relationships give us a reason to live. Revenge.
Ronnie Shakes
I never make stupid mistakes. Only very, very clever ones.
John Peel
Ideally, couples need three lives; one for him, one for her, and one for them together.
Jacqueline Bisset
People change and forget to tell each other.
Lillian Hellman
I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
Every person, all the events of your life are there because you have drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you.
Richard Bach
You’re 40 and he’s 22. Do you have to marry him? Couldn’t you just adopt him?
Ann Dunham
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
Israel Zangwill
When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
Nora Ephron
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
Roseanne Barr
Never love anyone who treats you like you’re ordinary.
Oscar Wilde
My ex-boyfriend can round last night, which was weird because I didn’t know he was in a coma.
Jo Brand
To wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.
Margaret Thatcher
Assumptions are the termites of relationships.
Henry Winkler
The quarrels of lovers are like summer storms. Everything is more beautiful when they have passed.
Suzanne Curchod