Marcus Brigstocke Quotes

Offence is important; that’s how you know you care about things. Imagine a life where you’re not offended. So dull.

I became hugely overweight and then hated myself because it was a form of self-abuse, something over which I had no control. I think the thing compulsive over-eaters want to achieve is that stuffed-full Christmas afternoon feeling.

If you want something Scottish, go get yourself a kilt.

I think it’s important never to look yourself up on Wikipedia. I think the temptation to correct any interesting factual errors would be too much.

There are a lot of comics at the top end making staggering amounts of money and selling out stadiums. I think stand-up is a more intimate thing than that. Maybe because of the kind of comedy I do. It’s like a discussion, but I’m the one with the microphone.

Britain is obsessed with political correctness.

I realised that to compare your insides with other people’s outsides leads to unhappiness.

I find it hard to get enthusiastic about hotels because, as a touring comic, I spend a lot of time in them.

Never Google yourself. Seriously, don’t!

I stumbled on a joke idea and style that worked, the audience went with it and, from that moment on, I was hooked. It’s an amazing feeling.

I think Ross Noble is the only person that I’ve seen really storm a stand-up slot at a festival, and that was when he led 3,000 people on a conga out of the tent and across the entire site to a vegetarian food truck.

You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost.

I failed to get into drama school, and my best friend told me I should do stand-up instead. I was always doing gags and voices, so he booked a gig for me without telling me. I only had four days to write it. I did a seven-minute set; the first four minutes were terrible, but the last two were amazing.

All my shows are therapy, trying to navigate interesting subjects so I can work them out and to be honest and say some things are beyond the wit of this man.

The most successful comics are always the hardest-working ones.

I have a very good memory for scripts. I can watch a show I like once, then remember about 90% of the script. But ask me who was in it, and I wouldn’t have a clue.

And much as I enjoy writing and creating stuff, I don’t enjoy it so much that I am willing to give up any time that could otherwise be spent performing.

I rarely fly, for environmental reasons more than anything else.

I’m best known as a stand-up comedian, but I’m a good actor in the right role.

The basic function of a comic is stand-up because it’s so straightforward and simple. If the audience don’t laugh, you didn’t do your job. I’ve had some audiences where I didn’t care if they laughed or not because they were either too drunk or stupid.

I am not racked with self-loathing. Some issues of guilt and shame, but I’m a pretty good guy.

My purist comedy friends accuse me of being a Jack of all trades and master of none.

If you go on stage with an agenda, you have to accept not everyone’s going to agree with it.

Jim Henson was an absolute genius.

If Pac-Man had affected us as kids, we’d all be running around in dark rooms, munching pills and listening to repetitive electronic music.

I went to China for a brief working visit, and I thought that Shanghai was interesting, but Beijing totally grabbed me.

I’m more pompous and self-assured and determined that if – you know – if the truth can be told so as to be understood, it will be believed.

No one wants life to end. It was bad enough when my last tour came to an end.

Catholicism has the clerical equivalent to a nut allergy – even a small exposure to change, and the whole thing will go into anaphylactic shock.